We will read about:
- what metta is
- what metta is not
- emotion as a river
- emotions and our environment
- emotions and our bodies
- emotions and our wills
- emotions and our thoughts
- emotions and our communication
- nurturing emotions and
- using words, memories and the imagination to cultivate metta
Along with your responses to the questions at the end of the reading, feel free to share with us your experiences of how metta has impacted your emotions and relationships.
I look forward to this week's discussion.
And a reminder - after this study, we will share projects. Please write to me dh.saddhamala@gmail.com about your project - just a paragraph describing what you are planning.
Have a great week!
Saddhamala
Love this quoted in "Focused and Fearless"
ReplyDeleteReality is not the result of a process; it is an explosion. It is definitely beyond the mind, but all you can do is to know your mind well. Not that the mind will help you, but by knowing your mind you may avoid your mind disabling you.
You have to be very alert, or else your mind will play false with you. It is like watching a thief - not that you expect anything from a thief, but you do not want to be robbed. In the same way you give a lot of attention to the mind without expecting anything from it.
- Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
Hi Nan,
DeleteThank you for that quote.
I would love to hear about your personal experience with the metta bhavana.
Being a nurse, I wonder if you have sent metta to your patients, especially the ones who were challenging to attend to.
I can think of patients (and their family members) that would have been helped had I known about metta when I was a psychiatric nurse, and helped me also.
Lois
Hello everyone, I am experiencing a myriad of emotions at the moment. Today is the one year anniversary of my mom's death. She was one month shy of 98 years old; she was very active and in good health up until her last few years. Unfortunately, she was not a very happy person and was very difficult to please. Although she and I came to generally positive terms with each other as adults, some of the negative emotions/patterns of my childhood interactions with her are still with me. I realized recently this is probably part of the reason, the metta bhavana has been more difficult for me to practice.
ReplyDelete1) I have found it more difficult to remain focused while practicing the metta bhavana than I do in the mindfulness of breathing. It can be challenging for me to engage on a more emotional/intuitive level.
2)I do agree with the state that emotions are habits and are actively created. Realizing there is a difference between a feeling (initial reaction) and emotion (what I do with the feeling) has helped me through difficult times. For example, I have been experiencing heightened sensations of feeling unsettled/anxious for the last week or so. In the past I would have reacted by increasing my activity level to distract myself from these sensations. I have been resisting that urge and allowing these sensations to arise and pass. I realize they are related to memory triggers associated with my mom's death and my friend Doug's death (who died a month after my mom). I can't control the feelings that well up inside me, but I can choose how to respond to them. I do know they are not substantial or fixed.
3) I endeavor to act out of an attitude of metta even when I am not feeling happy. I have had to continue teaching and meeting with students through some very difficult personal times. By showing them compassion and loving-kindness, I have been able to stay focused in the class room. I also realize that they have their own issues and concerns as well as dreams and aspirations.
4) I probably have needed to be reminded of what some of things Bodhipaksa says metta isn't, but I can't think of any examples at the moment.
5,6 and 7) I have tried primarily the traditional phrases for developing seeds of metta. I have found it helpful to tie the phrases to my inbreath or outbreath. (May I be well (inbreath), May I be happy (outbreath), (inbreath, outbreath), May I be free from suffering. This helps me stay focused.
8) Skipped. I am going to share more about my experience with the metta bhavana practice when we report in on our projects.
9) I have used my body extensively to access emotions, including Rolfing, which is a very intense program in which a trained Rolfer does a very deep tissue "massage" to release adhesions that have formed attaching the surrounding connective tissue to skeletal muscle. I have also undergone EMDR therapy (Eye movement desensitization Retraining) for Post traumatic stress associated with cancer diagnoses and child hood sexual abuse. Part of this treatment involves identifying where in one's body one holds their stress or trauma. I have not tried tuning into my body to access metta during meditation, although I am very aware of my posture and breathing.
Sounds as though practicing the metta bhavana has been challenging and that you are learning about yourself in the process. It's hard work, but will be worth the effort you are putting in to it!
ReplyDeleteRegarding tuning in to your body when you practice the metta bhavana - I suggest you tune in to your heart and explore what might be happening there.
Well done!
Saddhamala
Hi Saddhamala,
DeleteYes this has been challenging, but as you might suspect, I have been sticking with it. The main challenge for me is to not use what I realize (irritation, negative thoughts about others) as an excuse to feel badly/guilt. It is making me realize there are many layers of delusion to peel away.....
On the positive side, I have also been experiencing periods of feeling lighter and less emotionally burdened. My dream states have also been a little less unsettled (something Jonathan is probably happy about since I am such an active dreamer). Thank you for your continued support and metta.
Love,
Denise
Hello Denise,
DeleteReading about your relationship with your mom and the memory of her death strikes a cord with me about pain and loss. I think it is admirable that you continue to work on those emotions that would otherwise stop you from moving forward.
I liked what you said about focusing on your students when you yourself are having difficulty. It is a working definition of metta-knowing that they also have their problems and showing them compassion.
It always helps me when you write about allowing sensations to rise and pass. That is an are in which I have more work to do.
Thank you!
With metta,
Lois
hi Denise, thanks so much for your honest description!Sometimes i find it hard to realize that there are so many different feelings and memories connected with my mother ( a lot happens in 55 years time we knew each other) and sometimes i find it difficult to feel them all at the same time .....your meeting with your students and staying with metta - i try this very hard with Stephens nurses more or less successfully.a year ago i decided to start a charn offense with them and it worked....Your expierience with body therapie i understand very well, i did quite a bit of myself and it was a big help for me.
Deletelots of love, Sabine
Hello all,
ReplyDeleteHere are my comments for the week. I will be replying to all of you tomorrow.
I have found the metta bhavana practice very useful in allying my negative emotions when I have been in conflict with someone. I tend to use imagery the most-having others join me in some comforting way; a setting or activity (or non activity).
I find that when memories come up in my practice (mindfulness or metta bhavana), they are not comfortable ones, it is difficult for me to conjure up positive ones. So, that is something to work on. Coming back to my body, having gratitude for what it does for me, is one method I do use.
I have found that the times I have not wanted to feel loving and I re-geared, I felt a shift in my body to being more relaxed. This is more in my daily life than while sitting in meditation. I recently had a challenge to this concept at a town meeting (the town I work in, not the one I live in) where the school budget and teacher contract was up for discussion. Two men argued every point and were openly hostile to the school staff. They do this every year, so the rest of us are prepared, but also on edge. I tried very hard to really listen to the words and have compassion for them, even when I did not agree and by the end of the meeting I just felt sorrowful about the conflict they must have inside themselves. Metta went out to them in my practice this week.
The concept of emotions being ‘actively created and habitual’ connects with a book I am reading, The Buddhist’s Brain. Our brains detect negative information faster and with longer lasting effects than positive ones. All the more reason to practice positive states of mind for ourselves and also send them out to others.
I have always found it difficult to come up with someone with whom I have a conflict, unless it is something very obvious that is bothering me. Any suggestions?
Lois
hi Lois, your imagining the people you have a conflikt with appeals very much to me - i often do that in a similiar way and it helps...working on difficult memories i find a very interesing question, what i try sometimes is to phantasiese it to a possitiv, unexspected end and then drop it.
DeleteI was very happy to hear about your younger very conservativ brothers, i got one of that sort too and i used to get into real heavy rows with him. i decided now not to go into this discussions anymore (i have to be very aware not to swollow the tackle) and to concentrate on the good things we share. Since then things have deffinately improved.
Hello Lois,
ReplyDeleteIt's great that the metta bhavana practice has allayed negative emotions. Your description of working with your feelings/emotions regarding the men at the town meeting is a great example of bringing the metta bhavana from the cushion to your daily life. Well done!
Can you say more about how you work with the forth stage ? If you find it difficult to come up with someone with whom you have a conflict, then what do you do/think?
much love,
Saddhamala
Hi Lois,
DeleteThank you for describing your sending metta to the folks at the school board meeting who are openly hostile. I try to do the same with the youngest of my three brothers, who is very hostile toward "left leaning politicians". He and I used to get engaged in some very vociferousness arguments until I realized that we just talking at each other and if we continued to fight I was at risk of losing the positive bonds we did share. Now whenever Mike starts to go into his "riffs", I listen politely and don't engage, but sit and send metta his way. My feelings are genuinely warm and deep for him and I think he has picked up on this shift.
With respect to the fourth stage, I have begun to realize that sometimes I am not consciously aware that I am in conflict and have been passively ignoring it by "deadening" or detaching myself from any feelings about that person. I used to think that when I felt nothing, that I was in a really healthy state of being, but now I realize when I am in the emotional dead zone, I probably have something simmering below the surface and something is eventually going to set me off. Looking back, I also became emotionally "dead" with someone who I had interacted regularly with, but I was unable to express how I was really feeling and went along with whatever pleased the other person. Over time I would get tired of pretending and suppressing so I would just stop interacting. On more than one occasion the other person confronted me about the shift and I was taken really taken aback by the confrontation.
Finally, isn't great that the western scientific world is catching up with what Buddh realized so long ago!
Hi Denise,
DeleteThank you for describing how you have dealt with the fourth stage (or the people that could have been the focus of the fourth stage).
I do think I could look a bit more closely at people I work with. There are subtle feelings that are negative or presumptive that I try to dismiss but if I am truly honest with myself those are "fourth stage" people.
I too have a younger, ultra-conservative brother. And I also am at the point where I just listen and send him metta as we speak on the phone. As we rarely speak, I need to make use of the opportunity I do have.
Thank you for your sage advice!
Lois
Hello Saddhamala,
DeleteThank you for your kind words.
For a while I thought that I just didn't have conflicts (outside of the extreme ones) on an average day.
Reading Denise's reply to me made me realize that the subtle ones
are just as necessary to address.
I work with the fourth stage the way I do the rest-to envision the person, see them looking happy, resting on a beach, for example, with warm sunshine and everyone at the end joining in. Sometimes I repeat May you be happy, may you be well, may you be at ease.
It depends on the person and what comes up for me.
Hope you enjoy your week ( and the lovely spring weather),
Lois
Hello Lois,
DeleteWhen you are working with the forth stage of the metta bhavana, and you do not have someone in mind, I suggest that you sit quietly and see what happens. If you feel you need more direction, I suggest that you ask yourself something like "Is there someone I am having difficulty with that I have not acknowledged?" and then allow whatever surfaces to surface. This would be a way to explore and bring curiosity to your meditation practice, rather than approaching it with a preconceived idea/plan.
What do you think about this approach?
Thank you for your kind wishes for an enjoyable week. May you have the same!
Saddhamala
hi everyone,
ReplyDeletei am sitting in my mothers house and life is very busy, i am packing and i have seen my mothers friends which i enjoyed very much.
i am sorry to admit that my meditation time this week was very short - so my comment referres to meditations i had before.
The MB is my favorite one, as it is said in the text i find so many creative ways to do it and mostly enjoy it - and expierence more space and warmth within me and people become much more friends.
And it has so much effect on my daily life - i had a time when i took my former boss in the fourth stage and i found myself much more forgiving and patient towards him in real life - and i had to repeat it very often.
So how do i do it? The sentences do not work very well with me unless i combine them with images, mostly of the persons i deal with.These persons i picture in a friendly mood and that helps.
Or imagining me and the others in golden light, relaxed does help too.
What i fibnd the most helpfull is to imagine my inner heart room, which differs very muchbut often contains beautifull sceneries. There i invite me and the others.if it is difficult with me as a grown up i take myself as a child and just imagine how she can be happy and well and let that happen.
Then i invite the others one after the other and imagine what could make them happy, i see them relaxed, happy, doing quite things, whatever appears and stay with the picture.
This very often is very reaxing, warming and opening for me.
The idea that i create myself my emotions sound very true to me and i try as often as posssible to take responsibility for my emotions.
stephen is a very good mirror i can look at: he is as he is very much the same and i can see how my emotions towards him take on all colours there are and my work is to find out was is going on in me.If i feel tired and exausted and and and it is ok, i need a rest, but it is no reason for difficult emotions or actions....this is something i really work on.
So much for now, i am actually very tired and wish you all a good night and sweet dreams... i will answer to you tomorrow and am looking forward to your comments,
best wishes for now, Sabine
Hi Sabine,
DeleteThank you for taking the time to share so much of yourself despite the fact that you are away from home and so busy. You paint such beautiful pictures with your imagery. I love the idea of imagining an inner heart room. I have imagined beautiful snowy mountains or peaceful lapping of waves against rocks during stressful times. I may give this a try when practicing the metta bhavana. I suspect if I try to imagine a heart, it will be anatomically correct :).
Hi Sabine,
DeleteI love, love, love your images! Color and light and a heart room-it all made me smile and feel lighter. I have tried some of your images when we were on the week of mindfulness and now I have more examples for metta bhavana.
Despite being so tired, you sound happy. I am thinking that putting your mother's house in order was helpful to your healing.
Thank you for being so honest with your emotions, especially when it comes to Stephen. That he is good mirror for you helps me to think about how I act/react with my husband, Michael.
Sweet dreams to you as well.
Lois
Sabine, I too was very touched by your heart room image and plan to adopt it in my own meditations. I especially loved the part about taking your little-girl self there. Just lovely!
DeleteNan
Dear Sabine,
ReplyDeleteWhat a lovely description of how you practice the metta bhavana - with images and light, positivity, invitations to your heart room - I want to visit you there!
I hope you will find time to rest after this time away from home with your Mom's friends. With working, caring for Stephen, the recent death of your mom and traveling it will be important for you to find time for yourself to relax.
May you experience all the metta you so warmly extend to others.
Love, Saddhamala
Hello all!
ReplyDeleteNext week we have our projects! Can we all meet at 7p Thursday evening? I know this is very late/early for you Sabine, and I think it might not be the best time for you, Lois. If this time doesn't work we'll have a "plan B" (I'll create a doodle for us) but I thought I'd check first for Thursday evening.
Also, if you haven't already, please send me an email describing your project.
Love, Saddhamala
I can meet on this coming Thursday at 7PM....Denise
Deletehello ladies! i'm so sorry that my work is keeping me away from our blog so much. i have enjoyed reading all of your thoughts and i'm just so impressed by your wisdom, courage and compassion!
ReplyDeletei rarely decide to sit down and do metta bhavana instead of mindfulness of breathing. the most recent time was on the winter retreat, when i was having so much trouble with my wild mind, and there was also so much sorrow in the room for the loss of suriyadhama's guide dog. the meditation was very comforting for me, and also helped me to stay awake and focused during the session. everyone there was someone i didn't know very well, so i spent most of the time in stage 3.
many times i find myself just so overwhelmed by another person's suffering that my instinctive, reflexive response is to push it away, close the door, not look. when this happens, if i can, i try to keep myself open to it and send metta. i guess it gives me the feeling that there is something i can do to help, even if there is nothing else i can do to alleviate another's suffering.
yes, lois - i sometimes use it with patients too. working in OB, you do often have patients with mental health or addictions issues. they are the most difficult to help.
my stage 4 used to have only one person in it until recently. a fellow faculty member and i crossed swords, verbally of course. i tried to cut her some slack and send her metta. it was quite a shocking revelation when i discovered that i really didn't want to! i had to just let it lie for a while, and do my best to "do no harm" even if it was impossible for me to do any good for her.
i'm rambling. i wonder if, coming at the end like this, any of you will see this. wishing you well,
blessings,
nan
Dear Nan,
ReplyDeleteI'm happy to see your post - and "coming in at the end" is absolutely fine!
Being overwhelmed by other people's suffering is called "horrified anxiety" and if that is what surfaces, it is important to be mindful of it and when you feel able, to work with feeling compassion.
Regarding not being ready to experience metta for someone - it's also something to be aware of, as you are, and to be gentle with yourself.
It's important to remember that the metta bhavana is about feeling metta for ourselves as well as for others.
Thank you for your honesty.
With much metta and love,
Saddhamala
dear Nan, yes i know the feeling of being overwelmed by other peoples suffering, other peoples physical pain you cant handle is the worst for me when i feel helpless. phsychic pain can also be so very strong and again, when i am out of contact with the person then it really gets on me.
DeleteSo one opportunity to get in contact is sending metta and trusting that the other one will find his way out.
with my clients i often feel deep compassion, but as they are doing therapy i am again optimistic that they will find there way, even if it takes long time. i find it very difficult if someone commits suicide out of mental suffering...
i am very glad that you are with us despite all your work...love, Sabine
Hi Nan,
DeleteThank you for taking the time to share despite your busy schedule. I understand what it feels like to feel overwhelmed at times by other people's sorrow. Sometimes I have practiced Tonglen in very intense times (at my mother's death bed when she was suffering so much). On my inbreath I would focus on taking in the pain and on my outbreath, releasing it. It was as if the barriers separating us dissolved and there was no she/me.
I also have not been able to send metta at times for individuals who hurt me badly as a child or in more recent years, hurt my daughter. I needed time to heal myself.
Best to you,
Denise
Hi Nan,
DeleteThank you for your honesty about not being ready to give metta to a conflictual person. It is 'shocking' when we realize we just don't want to be kind right now! Giving yourself time makes a big differenc..
Last Fall, Denise and I went to Bodhipaksa's retreat on Joy. He described different stages of metta. One is called upekkha-the development of wisdom in knowing that there are things you cannot change and you have a limited ability to help everyone, like the serenity prayer.
I have had to stop myself many times from being dismayed by the sheer weight of so much suffering when I worked in community mental health. Part of the reason I left the field is that I was burned out from the lack of services as more and more people came into the center with chronic mental illnesses along with medical problems and poverty. After 18 or so years, I had to take care of myself or I would have not been able to help anyone (or my overworked front line staff).
So, metta to us all!
Lois